Wrestling

My store got robbed last night. Staff members were doing coke and the dealer came for the money.  He took it from the store.  I knew they were doing coke.  I told someone about it, and unfortunately I cannot tell my manager that. It just feels like it is my fault they got robbed.  I told someone higher higher up about it.  So I guess in my manager's mind it's all my fault.  But I couldn't reveal that we had a meeting the prior week.  So I took one for the team I guess.  I look like the bad guy.  It's just hard for me to accept that it isn't my fault. 

She understood why I didn't tell her.  One of her staff was like, her best friends.  I just didn't feel like anything would be done about it, and neither did my boss.  Hindsight is 20/20.  She said she would have done something about it, but I don't think she would have believed me or taken me seriously. 

I guess typing this and looking over what I have said, I did no wrong.  I have the facts laid out before me.  Yeah so they made off with $600 bucks.  It's money.  I'm just interested to see what's going to happen with the staff who did this. 

12:00 AM

Lately I know what I must do. I was smoking for what? Two months? What a joke. Who am I even trying to be? Who am I anymore for that matter?

I listen to my satellite radio almost everyday.  Listen to that Christian radio station. Sometimes it has the artists being interviewed and they share about their christian walk.  I love hearing it.  It gives me hope.  It's like, I want to get closer to God and let him just, completely take over my life.  But I'm not sure how to get there.  Do I ask?  Will he answer? Am I forgiven?  Do I have to return first to be forgiven?  God I have so many questions and I don't know if you're going to answer them or not.  

I feel like, I don't know, that I've been abandoned by all my Christian friends.  Is it their fault or mine?  I might as well blame myself.  Surely I am the one who has fallen short and not been good enough to even be friends with.  I want to talk to them, and reach out.  But will anything happen?  Or will I just be left here to die?

God, if you're listening, answer me soon okay?