Wrestling

My store got robbed last night. Staff members were doing coke and the dealer came for the money.  He took it from the store.  I knew they were doing coke.  I told someone about it, and unfortunately I cannot tell my manager that. It just feels like it is my fault they got robbed.  I told someone higher higher up about it.  So I guess in my manager's mind it's all my fault.  But I couldn't reveal that we had a meeting the prior week.  So I took one for the team I guess.  I look like the bad guy.  It's just hard for me to accept that it isn't my fault. 

She understood why I didn't tell her.  One of her staff was like, her best friends.  I just didn't feel like anything would be done about it, and neither did my boss.  Hindsight is 20/20.  She said she would have done something about it, but I don't think she would have believed me or taken me seriously. 

I guess typing this and looking over what I have said, I did no wrong.  I have the facts laid out before me.  Yeah so they made off with $600 bucks.  It's money.  I'm just interested to see what's going to happen with the staff who did this. 

12:00 AM

Lately I know what I must do. I was smoking for what? Two months? What a joke. Who am I even trying to be? Who am I anymore for that matter?

I listen to my satellite radio almost everyday.  Listen to that Christian radio station. Sometimes it has the artists being interviewed and they share about their christian walk.  I love hearing it.  It gives me hope.  It's like, I want to get closer to God and let him just, completely take over my life.  But I'm not sure how to get there.  Do I ask?  Will he answer? Am I forgiven?  Do I have to return first to be forgiven?  God I have so many questions and I don't know if you're going to answer them or not.  

I feel like, I don't know, that I've been abandoned by all my Christian friends.  Is it their fault or mine?  I might as well blame myself.  Surely I am the one who has fallen short and not been good enough to even be friends with.  I want to talk to them, and reach out.  But will anything happen?  Or will I just be left here to die?

God, if you're listening, answer me soon okay?  

I've never felt so alone

Its so tough. To hear your best friend tell you that you can't be friends anymore. It crushed and killed me.
I'm alone quite literally. And its weird. Its like, I don't want to be alone but yet I do. I'm scared to let anyone else in. Because who knows what they'll do to me.

I'm confused about my meds. I can't sleep but if I don't take them ill get all suicidal. I just long for a good nights sleep that's all.

God, if you read this, help. I'm dying over here. I need deliverance. I need some divine intervention. I cannot save myself!

i had a dream

I always seem to have dreams every single night and I can remember them all. They're always bad. About suffering sadness and oppression.

This one was different. It felt like I was in a fairy tale. That I had to do anything and everything to win this girls heart. And I did it. I fought evil solved riddles and eventually I put the ring on her finger. Doesn't matter who she was. But it was so saddening to wake up. I wish I could sleep forever and enjoy what was. When will my dreams if ever come true?

I told my best friend the other day she was a dream come true for me. Far from it though. Because I ended up waking up just like every other time. I used to be important and special. I'm not anymore. And I give up. Because this isn't worth it. I thought she was worth it but I mean am I worth it to her? I don't think so.

I told her I was sad. Told her I need her and she isn't here. Some guy she has known for barely two weeks is suddenly more important. Makes ya feel pretty good. I'm not mad. I'm just so sad and hurt. I actually believed she wouldn't be like everyone else. I should know better by now shouldn't I?

Your not my best friend anymore I hope you know. A best friend wouldn't do this. Ill see you at underoath.

The Cost of Discipleship entry 1

The cost of discipleship by Deitrich Bonhoeffer I have discovered is a huge wake up call for Christians. I mean how often do we go through life with absolutely no change in our ways and yet claiming that God's grace is upon us simply because we believe? That since we are excused it is fine to continue sinning. How are we any better than a so called non Christian? Read the gospels. Is this the life Jesus called us to?

A life of believing in him and living like the pagans around us? Grace cannot justify even that. I have lived like this and am truly ashamed.

I believe God has called us to carry our crosses not leave them lying around and prancing our way down the road. Deny ourselves and our way of life and let's give up and surrender everything we have to Christ. No more cheap grace. Only the costly grace of discipleship that comes from following Christ and serving others.